Power Wounds, Suffering & Shifting From Hero To Healer

For most of my life, I have struggled with owning my power. As a child, I was extremely shy and really only talked to people when they talked to me first. I was so terrified of being judged or rejected. I had no confidence and was insecure. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I said nothing at all unless I felt like I had no choice. Saying nothing felt safer. At home, saying the wrong thing meant I got in trouble. I had an angry impatient father so far stuck in his own pain that he could not see mine or anyone else’s. His girlfriend was not really any better. My mom left early enough for me to have no memories of her. My saving grace was my grandparents, aunts and uncle but I only got to be with them sometimes. I was able to be with my grandmother the most and she offered the best sense of balance to my suffering that she could.

At school, I was always teased for being gay and effeminate. I was a sensitive child who felt everything deeply. I grew up in a family with a lot of sensitive people all whom were reactors or suppressors. No one taught me that being sensitive was okay or how to embrace it. I had no one guiding me how to live in the world and be okay. Instead, I either got teased or punished for being sensitive, both by family and by peers. As an adult, I have learned how to Love and embrace that part of myself. It has not been easy. It has taken me a lot of different moments courageously facing my pain, time and time again to learn how to find comfort and acceptance as a sensitive being. The more that I do this, the more I come into alignment with others who understand me. It was not until I learned to understand myself that I found others who could understand me too.

Living and breathing this life of not feeling accepted lead me into a life of self-sacrifice and working hard for Love. As a child and an adult, I spent an incredible amount of energy and time giving myself away, trying to get others to Love me. Part of me believed that if I worked hard enough and made everyone else more important than me, they would Love and accept me. This is an exhausting and self-defeating way to live. I know many of you can relate through your own stories. Thankfully, I woke up and realized these defeating patterns of self-sacrifice that I was living. A day finally came along my healing journey when I felt strong enough and courageous enough to own my power and no longer give it away. A day came when I remembered that I am worthy of Love. From this place, everything became possible.

We all have power within us. No matter how defeated or powerless you feel, your power is there within you, however distant it may feel.

There are many different ways that we give our power away. Here are some examples:

Self-sacrificing. Limiting beliefs. Co-dependency. Abuse. Addiction. Victim consciousness. Hyper responsibility. Judgement. Shame. Blame. Guilt. Self-denial. Unwillingness to trust. Worshipping others. Expectations. Hiding. Re-living trauma over and over. Attachment to pain and suffering. People pleasing. Over giving. The list goes on.

Many of us are living some form of giving our power away, completely unaware of the patterns playing out. These patterns can be seductive and we can feel justified in living life this way. No matter how “right” it may feel, the truth is that you are giving away your power. Ask yourself, “How is living these patterns diminishing me and my life?”

Are you happy? Are you fulfilled? Are you inspired? Or, are you lonely, empty and confused?

We live in a collective world where putting other’s needs before our own is noble and heroic and putting our own needs before other’s is selfish. This is bullshit and does not have to be your truth any longer. If you get real with yourself, living life like this is not working. It can be easy to justify sacrificing yourself when others are suffering and you make it your responsibility to protect them or fix their suffering. But here is the thing, this is actually an abuse of power. Yes, I said it, when you are trying to take someone’s suffering away, you are abusing your power.

What many of us lose sight of is that suffering can be a beautiful gift in our healing and transformation. Think about your own life for a moment. Has there been something that you suffered through so much that you woke up one day and said, “I am done. I am going to make a change.” In that moment, you owned your power and that catapulted you on a journey of healing and transforming your suffering.

Suffering is hard and suffering is okay. Every single soul on this planet has the strength to endure their suffering until they reach that space of being done and it inspires them to own their power and make a change. My suffering has been one of my biggest teachers. I was not able to see this until I first did the work to heal and transform my pain. This was a combination of self work and getting support from others to teach me and help me see what I struggled seeing.

You are not responsible for fixing another person’s suffering. Let me say it louder for those in the back. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR FIXING ANOTHER PERSON’S SUFFERING. Please do not insert yourself and take this gift from people. All you are doing is prolonging their suffering. Absolutely, you can be of service and help those suffering. The most powerful way is to Love them as they are without trying to make them better. When you try to make someone better, all they hear is “I am not good enough”. When you Love them as they are, they hear “If someone can Love me in my darkest place, maybe I am Lovable”. This is one of the most powerful ways we can be of service and help others through their suffering. This is a profound gift to give someone. This method can feel like it takes more time but it is the thing that works down to the root and in the long run. In the world of healing, lets focus on efficiency rather than shortcuts. Besides, we have eternity and all the time in the Universe that we need to transform our suffering. See living as a span of lifetimes rather than just this current life and body. This shift in perspective is the thing that helped me access the wisdom that suffering is okay and that it can be a great gift and teacher. In my own journey, I started using the mantra “Suffering is okay” to help me remind my brain not to fix the problems and pains of others.

The key is to teach others how to do it themselves rather than doing it for them. This is the shift from hero to healer and it is necessary for us to stay connected to our own power and empower others.

One thing to remember is discernment. If you are walking down the street and someone is bleeding out, you most likely are not going to say to them, “suffering is okay and good luck.” You are probably going to stop and help. Allow discernment to help you find better balance in your patterns of self-sacrifice.

Now, let us take it a little deeper with one final note. Many heroes and fixers have their own pain and suffering that they have yet to heal and transform.  The suffering of others triggers the hero’s own suffering along with their uncomfortability with it and unwillingness to deal with it. So, if they stay busy fixing the suffering of others, it distracts them from their own. But when you have fixed everyone else’s pain, and nothing is left, you are still left with your own pain. Essentially the hero is the biggest victim of all completely disguised and often unaware.

This was a hard truth for me to swallow when I first learned of this pattern in myself. I have never felt freer than making the shift from hero to healer.

Imagine a world where we all get to feel and experience that. It is possible and it begins with each of us individually.